The Citizenship Chronicles, #1

As most of you know, I am not an American citizen. But don’t panic, I am here perfectly legally. My official status is Resident Alien and I have a green card (which is, in fact, pink). I’ve been eligible to become a citizen for yonks now, but I just never felt a pressing need to do so (except around presidential election times). But about five years ago, around the same time I moved to Las Vegas (and, in retrospect, in the midst of a midlife crisis), I started to consider my situation and decided it might behoove me to become a citizen. And so I sent away for the application form…

… Five years and around six sets of paperwork later (I am sure I got flagged by the INS because I requested that form so many times), this weekend I finally filled it in, got pics taken, wrote out the check (don’t a$k) and sent it off!

But, gosh, it was a process. I’d attempted to fill out the paperwork so many times. At home, there were too many distractions, in the form of television or Sammy or liquor. I went to the library once to do it there, but those chairs are designed for asses half the size of mine (as are most chairs, actually). Plus I had lots of documents to shuffle around and everyone there is so quiet and studious, I felt like I was disturbing them.  And I am a mouth-breather, and I was convinced I was breathing too loudly and that was annoying them too.

But then, about two years ago, I came up with the bright idea of filling it out at work, out of hours. No Sammy there to distract me and I don’t care enough about my co-workers to worry about my mouth-breathing. But I didn’t want to go in early because I love my sleep too much and I didn’t want to stay late because I just want to get home to Sammy as soon as I can. Then I thought, why not come in on a weekend (there’s always someone in this building) and do it then. Brilliant! But I did not want to make a special trip because I hate driving unless I have to. So I waited until I was out and about anyway…

… Which happened to be this past Saturday. I had to drop Sammy off at the vets for dental surgery. I was worried about him and thought that sitting at home would just make me more anxious and I needed to take my mind off that whole situation and really, is there anything better than filling out life-changing, ten-page, bureaucratic paperwork to do that?

But it was still not smooth sailing. I was driving to the post office when I started to think about how they are going to contact me and I realized I did not put my phone number anywhere on the paperwork. So I stop at a Target to check out the copies I’d made. Sure enough, big fat blank space in the phone number section. So into Target I trot to buy tape (to reseal the envelope).

Now, as you all know, it is impossible to go into Target for just one thing, right? Yeah, so, forty bucks later, out I trot with, amongst other things, a 99-cent roll of tape. Off to the post office I go. And mail it! And now I just have to wait for the lovely people at the INS office in Phoenix to open my resealed envelope, not faint at the sight of my photo and make sure I filled it all out correctly.

Stayed tuned…