You suck.
Your god will punish you.
Because I am a better person than you, I hope someone never does the same or worse to your mother/sister/aunt/niece/wife/daughter/granddaughter. Yes I can lay claim to being only a daughter and niece (because all my grandparents are dead and I have no siblings) but still.
You owe the bum outside Smith’s a dollar. He approached me shortly after my discovery of your crime and, under normal circumstances, would have gotten a dollar from me, but instead he got a shocked look on his face when I gasped “My car was just broken into!” I am sure he would like to have a car that could get broken into.
Did you think the Godiva bag contained chocolate? Because as you have discovered, I used it as a trash bag. All those gum wrappers and used lint roller sheets covered in cat hair must have come as a nasty surprise. But count yourself lucky you did not steal from me back in the day when I had a life - because there might have been used condoms in there then.
If you are not an ABBA or Frank Sinatra fan you’re going to have to become one if you keep the CDs that were in the holder you stole.
Your actions will make me a liar to my mother. Amongst your haul was one glove (why did you leave the other one?). My mum hand knitted those for me. When I ask her to knit me another pair she is going to ask what happened to this pair and I cannot tell her the truth because that would upset her. Yeah, I know it is not unusual for me to lie to my parents (they still do not know I was out of work for 18 months) but those are lies on my terms.
What are you going to do with the owner’s manual? Those things are useless to those of us who own the actual car so I can’t see what use you will get out of it.
Don’t think your taking the proof of insurance card and registration is going to cause me too much hardship because I had another insurance card in my desk and getting a replacement registration was a piece of cake (all done online and it cost just $6).
Didn’t you see the first aid kit? Yeah it mainly contained some plasters and out-of-date antacids, but there was one pill in there, a good one, I think, a Loritab, if I am remembering correctly. O. gave it to me a couple years ago after surgery and I have been meaning to take it sometime but just never got around to it. Do those things lose their efficacy? Maybe that is what I will do on Thanksgiving, because I have no other plans.
I hope you went to the casino next door and spent that $10 in quarters I always have on hand (just in case I ever find myself at a toll booth) because it certainly was your lucky night, wasn’t it? I mean, what are the odds that you do actually come across an unlocked car? How many handles did you try before you got to mine? Yes, this whole thing is entirely my fault, I forgot to lock my car when I got home after a physically and emotionally tiring day, stood outside for five or so hours in the frigid (for Vegas, anyway) temperatures dealing with privileged white people bitching and moaning about having to pay an entrance fee to a work event that I was staffing.
But… maybe you should have avoided the casino because, as a matter of fact, you were not that lucky. Because I made a last-minute decision to take up to my apartment the heavy, bulky and unlocked cash box, inside which was a bank bag that contained the takings from that day’s event. That bag contained $970. Cash. OK, yes, it was in one of those bank-issued bags that have its own lock on it and is made of some super-tough material that I am sure cannot be cut by just any old household cutting tool but I am sure that somewhere there is a chop shop for those bags (and I would really like to go online and find out, but I don’t want that kind of search history on my computer!) So, yeah, you weren’t so lucky after all.
And in fact, I am the lucky one because, man, it could have been so much worse. Because you did not steal the car. And I do not think any of the paperwork you stole (the insurance, registration and some receipts from the dealership when I got oil changes and new tires, etc.) contain any information useful in identity theft (but I could be wrong). All you took was possessions. No physical harm befell the car. Or me. Because there have been a couple of armed robberies in the apartment complex recently so it could have been a lot worse. It was just stuff. Stuff. I was lucky. So why do I feel so shitty then?
