A Bad Haircut…

… is a sure way of proving that your co-workers certainly believe in that old adage that “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

Of course, I prefer the somewhat newer adage of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me and let’s have a good old gossip.”

Introducing My Good Triplet

You’re all familiar with my Evil Twin by now, but I feel it is about time I introduce you to my Good Triplet. I was reminded of her existence this past weekend when I held a door open for someone and was called “sweet” for doing so. She’s been around a lot lately, mainly because of all the flipping Geminis in my life - happy b-day, C., D., C. and PLL (I blame all that Labor Day Weekend sex going on). But she makes other appearances now and again. For example, when driving, she never blocks intersections (and those who do so are especially hated by Evil Twin). When getting into our car in the mornings, she always uses the key to unlock the door, rather than the beeper thingy because she doesn’t want to make any unnecessary noise for those who might still be sleeping. If we are in line buying something and the person in front of us is short by anything under a dollar, she always offers them cash if we have it (not more than a dollar, though; Good Triplet might be better than me and Evil Twin, but she is just as cheap as us). What else? Um, well… let’s see… nope, that’s about it, but hey, it is a start, right?

The Feast of the Virgin

Rejoice, For I Am Born Again!

One of the many spreadsheets I keep is called the P List and it is a record of my adventures with penises (peni?). Keeping this record led to my instigating a celebration if I ever reached the one-year mark of not bumping uglies. I would finally open the bottle of Moet & Chandon that is always (no exaggeration) in my fridge. I wanted a special excuse to drink this and what better excuse than being a born-again virgin (it grows back if you don’t do anything for a year). In the 15 or so years I have been keeping the list, there were only two occasions on which I reached the one-year mark (there was a dry spell in the late 90’s in Boulder and another in the early 00's in Denver). I came close a couple more times. In fact, just last year, I made the deadline with just 16 hours to spare. But not this year. For today I am re-born! Today marks one year exactly since I knew someone biblically. I can call myself a virgin again! And next Saturday (because a Sunday is not special enough to open a bottle of champagne), I will celebrate my new purity!

Even More Evidence I Am Not A Nice Person

There is someone at work who hates me (she has an issue with people who tell the truth). I take my lunch break at the same time as this person. Today I had a Lean Cuisine microwave thingy for lunch, something with salmon. I chose to cook my FISH lunch in the microwave nearest to where this person was sitting. And when her back was turned I quickly waved the microwave door open and closed to ensure that the lovely aroma of my FISH lunch wafted its way over to her. What the eff is wrong with me? I mean, if I put this much time and energy and thought into something positive, there would be no stopping me; I mean, I could cure cancer if I put my mind to it.