Year In Review - 2013 Edition

According to the stats the behind-the-scenes blog hosts keep, my most popular post is this one, my 2012 Year in Review. By a HUGE margin. The next most-popular post is not even close. I mean, if this was the Oscars, my 2012 Year In Review posting would already be back at the hotel, snorting coke off a hooker’s ass, having swept the board at the awards show and attended all the cool after-parties, while the next post would still be waiting in line to buy a ticket to the movie. Yeah, not even close. I have no idea why it is so popular. And it sure puts a hell of a lot of pressure on me for this year’s edition. But I have to try, so here goes:

• No sex this year.
• Lost three pounds (only another 97 to go!)!
• Got a letter published in Entertainment Weekly (see the December 13 issue).
• Um, wait, there’s got to be other stuff…

Nope, not really. It was truly a boring year. In a way, that is good because it means nothing truly bad happened, but it can’t be much fun for you, my loyal readers (all five of you and those of you who were directed here by Google when you were just trying to find information on tractors made by Massey Ferguson (MF, get it?)). I mean, I could go and check my Excel spreadsheet to see how many pedicures I got or how much I spent at the post office and Target, because those stats were on last year’s post and we all know how popular that was, but really, that would just emphasize how dull my 2013 has been.

Although there are approximately 15 hours left in 2013 so who knows, I might have more to report next week. Unlikely considering my plans for the rest of today consist of going home and getting blind drunk and watching Anderson Cooper ring in another new year without me in his life.

Maybe the 2014 Year In Review post will be better, because my year will be more exciting. But only exciting, positive stuff. And I hope your 2014 is the same, dear friends and tractor lovers alike!

Merry Xmas To Me!

Best Xmas present ever! Thank you, J.L.!

Sammy’s Second Annual Holiday Message

Have a great one, humans!

Domestic Accident Claims Life of “Corker”

Las Vegas – Dec. 10, 2013 – In what is being called a senseless domestic tragedy, Winged Corkscrew, or “Corker” as he was known to his family, lost his life in the kitchen of his adopted mother, MF, on Saturday evening.

Through her attorney, MF provided this statement: “My heart is breaking at the loss of Corker, but I take comfort in the fact that he died doing what he loved – opening my regular Saturday night bottle of wine.”

In a Blog, MF, Blog exclusive, MF spoke to us about the night in question: “It was just a regular Saturday night,” MF said, her voice breaking. “As always, I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, so, being the borderline alcoholic that I am, I decided to open a bottle of wine. My leftover Chinese food from the evening before was reheating in the microwave, an episode of Monk was playing on the TV, Corker’s brother, Sammy, was licking himself and the next thing I know, Corker is in pieces on my kitchen counter. Good thing I had a spare bottle of vodka in the back of the freezer, otherwise it would have been a very boring Saturday night.”

It is this insensitive attitude that has some suspecting foul play, but a source close to the investigation who wished to remain anonymous said, “He was overworked, simple as that. (MF) may be a cold-hearted lush, but in her own way, she loved Corker.”

And in another Blog, MF, Blog exclusive, an official scene-of-crime photo has been obtained. Warning: more sensitive readers may be disturbed by the image presented below.

Born on an unknown date in China, Corker was brought to the US by an adoption agency known as “Walmart” where he ended up in one of their Las Vegas homes. He was adopted by MF sometime in the spring of 2011. He spent many happy hours in a silverware drawer but his true joy, his raison d’etre, was opening the many (oh so many) bottles of wine enjoyed by MF. As MF’s attorney remarked: “Corker led an extraordinary life, filled to the brim with frequent bottle opening.”

Sammy was too disinterested distraught to provide a comment.

An Open (Holiday) Letter To A (Former) Friend

I met T. at work several years ago in Boulder. We became instant friends for many reasons, one being that she was just a nice person, giving and open and wise; another being our shared weight problem (although she has since had surgery). I will be forever grateful to her for many things, not the least of which is her introducing me to E., my darling Kiwi, who in turn introduced me to D., my favorite person from “Boston”. Life (hers, because like now, I did not have one then either) got in the way a bit towards the end of my time in Denver and we were not as close as we once were but I still considered her a dear friend and we used to hang out every now and again. One night, we went to a concert. She paid for my ticket because I was out of work at the time. I sent her a thank you note afterwards.  I never knew if she got the note or not because that was the last time I heard from her until last year. The following is the note I included in the holiday card I sent her this year.

OK, so, well, as you know, I was super-curious as to why I had not heard from you in such a long time (ever since the Bette Midler concert) and despite my many outreach efforts I never heard anything from you, just your impersonal form letter at Xmas. But then – lo and behold, it is an Xmas miracle – I finally get a note from you in last year’s card. You explained your distance (major health issues for both you and your husband and life in general keeping you busy) and invited me to catch up via e-mail. I promptly sent you an e-mail saying how great it was to hear from you at last, catching you up on my life and the lives of friends you’d once been acquainted with, commiserating you on the health issues, and telling you how much I was looking forward to renewing our friendship and hearing back from you.

I really don’t have to tell you what happened next, right? Yep, that’s right – Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Diddly-squat.

And so here we are, Xmas once again. I’d decided back in mid-March, when I was clearing out my e-mail files and came across my unanswered e-mail to you that it was time to stick a fork in me. Yep, I was done. Enough was enough. If our friendship meant so little to you that you could not take even five minutes out of your oh-so-busy life then I would strike you from my holiday card list.

So, that of course begs the question – why am I sending you this note in a holiday card? One reason, and one reason only (and one of the only reasons I do much of anything these days): Sammy. My beautiful Sammy. Just look at the enclosed pic. How handsome is he? I truly had decided to just let it be; your abandonment of our friendship hurt but ultimately it was beyond my control. But then I get yet another awesome picture of Sammy and I just want everyone to see it, relatives, co-workers, friends, and former friends. Hence my sending you this.

You may have also noticed I have sent this to you rather early, much earlier than I will send out the rest of my holiday cards. That is because I wanted to let you know that you no longer have to feel obligated to keep me on your Xmas mailing list. I finally really have no curiosity about you and your life anymore, I don’t care about your car or house or job or the recipe for cookies or where you and your husband went on vacation this year (remember one year it was Vegas? Vegas! Where I live.). I am not interested. I wish you nothing but the best, my former friend, but I no longer care.