I Got Nothin'

Happy Anniversay, Las Vegas

 

To mark the 10th anniversary of my moving to Las Vegas (March 30th if you want to get technical about it), I decided to produce a list of random facts and figures about my time here. I thought it would be much longer. Why, I don’t know. Wishful thinking, I guess. But here are a few:

 

Longest time I have ever lived in one American city

Colorado still holds the record for longest stay in one state but I split that time between two cities (well, one city, Denver, and one portal to hell, Boulder).

 

Longest time in one apartment

 

Longest time in one job

 

Longest time without a job

 

Longest time without doing the dance with no pants

 

Most I have ever weighed

It’s those buffets and the fact that Vegas is so un-walkable. But even if there was somewhere to walk, for about five months out of the year, it is too hot to be outside anyway.

 

One box of Q-Tips still going strong!

I, um, acquired that box of Q-Tips pictured above a few days after arriving in Las Vegas (v. tempted to count how many I’ve used, by the way). Is it weird that I remember this? I also remember that my laundry basket was a first week purchase. As was the step stool I use because I am so short. And my favorite night shirt is a black t-shirt that too was purchased during that fateful shipping trip (it is too ratty and faded for regular wear).  And I still have two tumblers from a set of four I bought in Target, and a spatula too (this was before I discovered the treasure trove that is the Dollar Store (haven’t purchased any small household item anywhere else since then)).

 

Started this blog

 

Became a faux aunt four times over

And have still to meet any of them!

 

Rescued, and was rescued by, Sammy

And that is perhaps my greatest Las Vegas accomplishment.

 

I know a lot of these achievements are more to do with my (allegedly) maturing but I do wonder which are down to Vegas alone. I know for a fact the weight gain is (those damn buffets). And despite the length of time I have been here, should an opportunity arise for me to leave, I would in a heartbeat, with very few regrets. Leaving Denver was hard; Vegas, it would relatively painless. 

Fury Duty

So, yeah, as mentioned in the previous post, I had a little jury duty adventure back in mid-December. Yes, I know that is two months ago, but you’re getting the deets now because, one, it was a rather traumatic experience that took me awhile to process emotionally, and two, well, I have nothing else to write about and it is already the middle of February and I have to fulfill my “at least one post a month” deal, so there!

My earliest memory of jury duty was back when my dad was called up. He got out of it by telling the powers-that-be that whilst he would be honored to fulfill his civic duty, he was deaf and that meant they would have to provide a sign language interpreter for him. He was, not surprisingly, excused. Like most people, he did not want to serve. I, on the other hand, find the whole idea rather exciting and would relish the experience.

My first chance came about 15 years ago, when I was in Colorado and before I was a citizen. I contemplated just showing up anyway, but stickler that I am, I followed the instructions and a faxed copy of my pink Green Card quickly put the kibosh on that plan.

I was finally called up again last December (ironically, shortly after I voted for the very first time (I know some people who do not register to vote simply because they do not want to be called up for jury duty)). So, not sure how it works elsewhere, but here in Vegas, you are instructed to call in after 6 pm the night before you are scheduled to appear to see if you are still needed. Ok, so yeah, I said previously that I look forward to doing it but I guess that is easy for me because I do not think I would ever be chosen because of - oh, Dad, the irony is thick – my hearing issues. Unless those court rooms are fully miked up, I am sure I would be excused. So, yes, I went there (and of course there was some driving and parking trauma too, because there is always driving and parking trauma!) but I was fully expecting to be excused.

The first of us were excused immediately. A second group was taken away somewhere never to be seen again. And those of us who remained? Well, we were given a 15-page questionnaire to fill out concerning a case that was slated to start in the new year and was scheduled to last at least six days.   Just exactly when in the new year was it scheduled to start? Why, on January 3rd. So, on January 2nd, after 6 pm, I would have to call in to see if I would be needed. Thing is, I kind of already had plans for exactly 6 pm on January 2nd - I planned to be leaving the Strip hotel room I’d just checked in to, go to the Strip and start drinking because, oh you know, it just happened to be MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. A milestone birthday. One with a zero on the end of it. A birthday I planned for once to celebrate in style, with a night on the Strip, lots of drinking, treating myself to a good meal somewhere without plastic cutlery, maybe even catching a show.

Talk about worst case scenario. I could not fucking believe it. See, things like this, this is why I believe that, if there is a God, dude sure has a sick sense of humor. I never do anything for my birthday, I never treat myself. So for once, when I scrimped and saved throughout the year and found a good deal at the oldest hotel on the Strip and booked the time off work and arranged for a neighbor to check in on Sammy, this was all in jeopardy because three years ago some asshole tried to cross the street in an unmarked crosswalk and some other asshole ran them down (more on that later).

We were told that if we already had booked travel plans for the time of the trial to send in a copy of our itinerary for review by the judge. I did that immediately upon return to the office, but was worried that that excuse would not fly because, technically, I was not traveling (you can literally see the hotel I’d booked from the front of my apartment building) and it was on the day before the case was supposed to start, not during it. I also hoped that some of my answers on the questionnaire would get me excused, including one about the location of the defendant’s work place, an apartment building. I wrote that on a recent apartment hunt, I had looked at this place but was put off by the rude and condescending staff (funny thing was, when I researched the place online the next day I found out it has been closed for a year! Ha! Liar, liar, pants on fire).

After a week of utter misery during which I made many pacts with any deity who cared to help me out, I finally caved and called to check and was told that the case had been settled out of court and I was excused!!! Poor guy who answered that phone must have thought me a complete idiot because after he told me that I asked him to repeat himself about five times, I was so elated.

And of course, because that is the way my life goes, the irony is that I actually would have loved to have served on this particular case because it involved a particular pet peeve of mine. Deal was, some asshole pedestrian was jaywalking and got hit by some asshole driver. Yes, Driving Asshole should have been more careful and not hit Walking Asshole, but Walking Asshole should not have been jaywalking. This really pisses me off, pedestrians think they can just cross the street willy-nilly. Use the crosswalk, assholes! So if I’d ended up on that jury I would have found for Walking Asshole, but would have awarded him or her only enough money to cover medical expenses and 50% of lawyers’ costs. Because you should not have been jaywalking in the first place, Walking Asshole, but you were. And Driving Asshole, you should have been paying attention to Walking Asshole, so you’re not getting away with it completely. So, yeah, Walking Asshole, here’s your medical expenses covered and some of your lawyers’ fees, but not all because you probably only pursued this case in the hopes of getting rich. But you won’t on my watch, jaywalker! I actually wrote something to that effect on my questionnaire, so there was no way I was going to get picked for this case, right? But I guess we will never know!

Year In Review - 2016 Edition

What a crazy year 2016 was for the world, what with all those celebrity deaths and that travesty of an election. For me? Not so much. But that is OK. I will take quiet and boring over crazy and uncontrolled any day.

 

Not that 2016 was without its moments:

 

For once, I did a lot of touristy things, like seeing a Beatles’ tribute band, going on the High Roller, playing at Top Golf, and eating at a Gordon Ramsey restaurant.

 

 

 

 

Had another awesome, alcohol-soaked free night out on the Strip, again with the same co-worker from last year’s bacchanal.

 

Finally got the CPAP equipment (not that I can see any effects it is having, apart from the occasional dream that I am in a wind tunnel with Darth Vader).

 

Was away from Sammy for the longest time ever – two-and-a-half days. Not that he cared.

 

Gained six pounds.

 

Saw one movie in the theater.

 

Kept my faux-virginity intact (four-and-a-half years now!).

 

Voted for the first time.

 

Nearly served jury duty for the first time. Boy, is that ever a story - it was very recent and caused a lot of emotional trauma that I am not quite ready to process just yet but when and if I am, you will read about it here.

 

Put 1,662 miles on my car. No seriously, I did:

 

 

 

 

 

On Sammy’s life, these are genuine pictures of my car’s mileage, taken on January 1, 2016 and December 31, 2016 respectively. Most people I know drive that much in a month. Told you I hated driving.

 

Happy new year!

 

The Leadership Chronicles: Now what - Hollywood or Mary Kay?

When I was a little girl, I first wanted to be a ballet dancer. My dad nixed that plan when he told me I did not have the figure for it (haters don’t hate: he was completely right and better that my dream be crushed when it was nascent, before I nurtured such a completely unrealistic goal). Then I wanted to be an actress. I even joined an amateur dramatics club for teens. But I was really, really bad at it. Or at least I thought I was. That was until this course. Because what I did there has made me consider packing up and moving to Hollywood. I tell you, Meryl Streep had nothing on me those three days. So either I head to Hollywood or I start selling Mary Kay, because I faked it ‘til I made it.

At several points during the course I thought I would truly speak my mind and tell everyone what utter BS I thought it all was - and this was going to be full-on, not the passive-aggressive digs I got in now and again. But things kept delaying that reveal. I finally decided to put up and shut up because I realized everyone else was really into it. It mattered to them and I was not going to be the one who let down the team. It was at this point that I decided that I might as well go along with it, because it would be over soon and I would never see any of these people again. So I released my inner Meryl and acted my ass off.

I faked an enthusiasm for taking part in class discussions, and stood up and spouted some buzz word I knew would be popular – Vision! Growth! Effort! Enthusiasm!  As soon as I sat down I had forgotten what I had said, because what I really wanted to say was I am in hell! What a waste of time! Kill me now! Plus by this point I was on to their little games and knew that if I did not stand up I would have been called out for not doing so.

When I had finished a writing assignment, I faked writing more by either making notes for these posts or just simply moving my pen around above the page.

I pretended my tears were because I was so moved by what myself and others had achieved, but really I was dreading what was to come and wishing it were all over.

I got up to do whatever the latest lesson was as early as possible, not because I was keen to do so but because I wanted to get it over and done.

Fortunately I managed to not to have to speak when we had to describe how we were going to apply our newfound skills in our personal life, because what could I have said? They were all going on about how they would be a better sibling, or spend more time with their children. I mean, what was I going to say? Um, I’ll give my cat more wet food? Or I’ll be really nice to the cashier at the liquor store?

And it was a testament to my acting skills, and the aforementioned dramatic board breaking attempts that led to me being voted Most Improved Student! Ha! Oh my poor team mates, little do they know.

The winner of this was announced during our graduation ceremony, which took place in the dining room, the staff sat up front, the team in a half circle around them, with guests at the back. I knew I had won it because of the way the staff decided to present it. Mr. Clean conferred with the Tight-Ass Triplets and decided that one of the students would announce the winner and he chose me to do that. Seriously? Yeah, so I knew right off it was me. And it was. And when I announced my own name (I had to open up and read the name on one of the voting slips we’d filled in) everyone cheered and hugged me and oh my gosh, they were all so into it! Then of course I had to make a speech.

I remembered everything that had impressed the team, everything the staff had said, and brought it all together. I said the first thing I was going to do when I got home was change my name because “I am a different person thanks to this class!” That I would also need to buy a new dictionary because mine had the word “try” in it and I do not try any more, I do. I said I could have taken this class two months ago and I deeply regret not doing so because that would have been two months longer with all this new knowledge and confidence and skill set. I told them that when I walked into this building I only had three friends (not that much of an exaggeration, actually). “But you know what?” I said, “When I leave today I have 15 more!”

But I am going to conclude this series with the lines that concluded my speech. I am most proud of this and even to this day, over three months later, it still cracks me up. And this produced the biggest cheer from the graduation audience because they drank the Kool-Aid I was serving.

“So, as you all know, I complained a lot over the last few days, but my first complaint was about how close together the chairs were. But you know what? Now they are too far apart!”

Now they are too far apart.

The Leadership Chronicles: I’m Board Now

I am sure it will come as no surprise that this course included some physical tests; in this case, having to lift someone and be lifted, and that super-clichéd, karate-style board breaking deal (had this been outside I am sure there would have been that even more clichéd fire walking stuff). Apparently, we were going to learn to get into ka or kee or whatever the hell it is called and achieve some super human feats of strength. Now I did a lot of things at this retreat that made me uncomfortable because I kept reminding myself that my company paid a lot of money to send me here (over $2,000, I think) and I was not going to let them down, but there was no way in hell I was going to subject some poor soul to having to lift up me and my fat ass, twelve chins, and four or so spare tires. And no way was I going to attempt to lift anyone, whatever size they were. So just before this session I marched right up to Mr. Clean and told him that I had a bad back and that I could not do anything that put physical demands on me. I got out of the lifting part, but that excuse did not fly for the board-breaking. My attempts at this produced the most dramatic moment of the entire course and I truly believe it was this that led to my winning the Most Improved Student award (way more about that in the next post). I was the only one who did not break it on the first attempt; in fact, it took me about ten tries, I think.

Oh, so you have to know this before I go on: there was no alcohol or drugs allowed on site, but just before we started this session, Mr. Clean told us that there was wine and beer awaiting us in the dining room, as a treat for all our hard work. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, mmm, wine!

Anyway, so we had to write on the one side of the board what is our biggest block to leadership:

 (Yeah, no shit Sherlock, mine was low self-esteem!)

On the flip side we had to list what we would get if we could break through this block:

 

The words written in green were written before I attempted to break it. Mr. Clean stopped me halfway through my attempts and made me write more (the ones in red). To say this entire ordeal was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life is no exaggeration. But the team was all rallying behind me, giving me advice on how to position myself, shouting encouragement, etc., but I just could not break that fucker. Until I did. Did positive thinking or getting in ka/kee break that board? Those on the course would say it did but I think the fact that I wanted to get out of there and start drinking may have had something to do with it!

 

The Leadership Chronicles: Someone else hated it too

No, I did not have the best attitude going into this, but – and here is why I do not feel guilty – I went in with an open mind. And I take no pleasure in the fact that it was as Kumbaya as I expected it to be. What did surprise me however is that there was one participant who, whilst his attitude was not as bad as mine, actually had the balls to articulate his displeasure at being on the course. Yes, I made my irritation known early on, but in very passive-aggressive ways; this guy was full-on - we hadn’t even gotten on the bus before he told us how much he did not want to be here. And twice he told Mr. Clean how much he disliked him. This guy was my hero. But he turned. Or did he? Was he faking it as much as I was? I guess I could ask him on Facebook but I think part of me does not want to know the answer. Part of me holds out hope that I was not the only one who thought it all bullshit and could not be turned.

But this guy, wow, he said out loud pretty much everything I was thinking. And sometimes did what I would have liked to have done. Like, at the end, we had to submit the names of those of whom we thought would benefit from taking a class - I made up a fake name, this guy didn’t fill in anything!!! Ironically, he and I were assigned seats next to each other for much of the course, and we partnered up several times. I confessed to him on more than one occasion how uncomfortable I was. But when an incident happened towards the very end, I did wonder if that had not been such a good idea: during one particularly loud session, he gets up and walks out. Now, this was not a bathroom break walk-out, this was full-on, taking the backpack, I am out of here deal. It was so dramatic and resulted in putting into practical use some of what we had been taught when we persuaded him to come back. But then I got all paranoid and I started to wonder if he was a plant and had been instructed to do this to test us. See why I was freaking out because of what I had told him?

The Leadership Chronicles: Watching the Watchers

Of all the cringe-inducing things we had to do, one that really stood out was having to introduce the sessions, which involved learning a short speech in about five minutes and then yelling projecting it to our fellow students. The person was chosen during meal times when one of the Tight-Ass Triplets would walk around the communal table, staring at us, and then stand behind the chosen one, put a hand on his or her shoulder and direct them to be outside the classroom at a certain time, about ten minutes before the rest of us.  

I so did not want to be chosen. I am sure you know what is coming, right? Yep. I was chosen. This was the second-to-last session. By now I had started my acting job (more on that later) and made sure to make full-on eye contact every time the moderator circled us, but I think the staff were not quite yet convinced. So when the hand plopped down on my shoulder I made sure to keep my face completely neutral. But then something strange happened: the moderator told me to escort another person to the classroom at a certain time. Huh? But I did what I was told and when we got there, he was taken into the room to learn the intro. Huh again? But you know what I think it was? I think this was a test and that if I had looked all pissy and sour-faced about it they would have gone ahead and had me do the whole thing. But because I was on to their little games by now I passed. It would have been interesting to see their reaction to my non-reaction.

The Leadership Chronicles: Platitudes with an Attitude

Three things not brought up that I thought might be, but it is a good thing they weren’t because they would have not liked my responses:

You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.

Really? Well, I want to be five-foot-eight, weigh 110 pounds and be married to Anderson Cooper, so why don’t you go ahead and tell me how positive thinking will bring about any of those? OK, no, I am being unfair because I guess with two surgeries for me (spine lengthening and stomach stapling) and one for him (a frontal lobotomy) I could achieve that.

Live every day like it is your last.

Um, no. Because however much I love my job I am not going to go to work on my last day and well, I think I’d probably get fired after a week or so, so, no, not possible. Plus I’d eat a lot of chocolate and bread and fried potatoes and drink a lot of alcohol and… oh, yeah, then I guess as far as this part is concerned, I do live like it is my last day. But the going to work part, no.

There is no “I” in team.

True, but there is a “me” and me hates this.

The Leadership Chronicles: Because eff you that’s why

I truly went into this with an open mind. But that did not prevent me from even attempting to hide my displeasure with things that pissed me off. The very first was the seating arrangements – chairs were set out in a horseshoe shape and really, really close together. Almost as soon as I sat down, I said something about how close together they were and Mr. Clean grunts “There’s going to be a lot of touching over the next couple days.” A little later, we had to write some notes on a particular subject and then get up and make a little speech. Halfway through mine I paused because I had run out of things to say but I did not want them to know that, so I said, “Gosh, well, I did write more on the subject but when I tried to read back my notes I could not understand my handwriting because these chairs are so close together.” (I know, super passive-aggressive of me.)

Then one part, we once again had to go up to the front, this time in pairs, and embarrass ourselves demonstrate our leadership skills by pretending we had won $50 million dollars (after tax). When the last pair finally got up there Mr. Clean told them that they had chosen to go last and made them take a vow that they would never go last again. This royally pissed me off because, no, they had not chosen to go last, they had been beaten out by others who were faster and/or closer. The only way they could have gone before would have been to resort to physical violence and cause bodily harm to their teammates who made it up front before them. Mr. Clean would also tell us all after we had attempted whatever ridiculous thing we had to do that we had chosen to fail. Um, no, it is your opinion that I failed, I did my best, just because you didn’t like it does not make it my choice to fail. And those of us not embarrassing ourselves attempting the task had to vote on whether the person had passed.  Without exception, Mr. Clean said that they were sympathy votes and he dismissed them. It got to the point that I told him I was no longer voting because he would just override our votes anyway.

And a couple of times I could not help but laugh out loud at some ridiculous thing. For example, at the end of each session we had to do a closing circle in which we all linked arms and repeated some sort of positive affirmation. The first time this happened I started to hear music in the background.  It eventually dawned on me it was the Chariots of Fire instrumental. Holy eff. That music is cheesy at the best of times but in this situation it was just ridiculous. Then another time, when we had to stand up and introduce ourselves, one man stood up, said his name and then added, “And I’m an alcoholic.” It took me a second to get it but when I did I could not help but bark out a laugh, it was so funny given the situation. But Mr. Clean obviously did not find it funny, he had a look on his face that could have frozen an ocean.

And at the end of each module, we had to write a report. The paper was returned to us with comments. My first came back with a note saying I had to fill up the lines and marked up like this:

 

WTF? Now, I can understand if someone is using that technique to pad out their report (it had to be a certain length) but in my case it was just where a word ended and it was natural to write the next word on the next line. So the next report I produced, this is what I did:

 

Because fuck them, that’s why.