Fury Duty

So, yeah, as mentioned in the previous post, I had a little jury duty adventure back in mid-December. Yes, I know that is two months ago, but you’re getting the deets now because, one, it was a rather traumatic experience that took me awhile to process emotionally, and two, well, I have nothing else to write about and it is already the middle of February and I have to fulfill my “at least one post a month” deal, so there!

My earliest memory of jury duty was back when my dad was called up. He got out of it by telling the powers-that-be that whilst he would be honored to fulfill his civic duty, he was deaf and that meant they would have to provide a sign language interpreter for him. He was, not surprisingly, excused. Like most people, he did not want to serve. I, on the other hand, find the whole idea rather exciting and would relish the experience.

My first chance came about 15 years ago, when I was in Colorado and before I was a citizen. I contemplated just showing up anyway, but stickler that I am, I followed the instructions and a faxed copy of my pink Green Card quickly put the kibosh on that plan.

I was finally called up again last December (ironically, shortly after I voted for the very first time (I know some people who do not register to vote simply because they do not want to be called up for jury duty)). So, not sure how it works elsewhere, but here in Vegas, you are instructed to call in after 6 pm the night before you are scheduled to appear to see if you are still needed. Ok, so yeah, I said previously that I look forward to doing it but I guess that is easy for me because I do not think I would ever be chosen because of - oh, Dad, the irony is thick – my hearing issues. Unless those court rooms are fully miked up, I am sure I would be excused. So, yes, I went there (and of course there was some driving and parking trauma too, because there is always driving and parking trauma!) but I was fully expecting to be excused.

The first of us were excused immediately. A second group was taken away somewhere never to be seen again. And those of us who remained? Well, we were given a 15-page questionnaire to fill out concerning a case that was slated to start in the new year and was scheduled to last at least six days.   Just exactly when in the new year was it scheduled to start? Why, on January 3rd. So, on January 2nd, after 6 pm, I would have to call in to see if I would be needed. Thing is, I kind of already had plans for exactly 6 pm on January 2nd - I planned to be leaving the Strip hotel room I’d just checked in to, go to the Strip and start drinking because, oh you know, it just happened to be MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. A milestone birthday. One with a zero on the end of it. A birthday I planned for once to celebrate in style, with a night on the Strip, lots of drinking, treating myself to a good meal somewhere without plastic cutlery, maybe even catching a show.

Talk about worst case scenario. I could not fucking believe it. See, things like this, this is why I believe that, if there is a God, dude sure has a sick sense of humor. I never do anything for my birthday, I never treat myself. So for once, when I scrimped and saved throughout the year and found a good deal at the oldest hotel on the Strip and booked the time off work and arranged for a neighbor to check in on Sammy, this was all in jeopardy because three years ago some asshole tried to cross the street in an unmarked crosswalk and some other asshole ran them down (more on that later).

We were told that if we already had booked travel plans for the time of the trial to send in a copy of our itinerary for review by the judge. I did that immediately upon return to the office, but was worried that that excuse would not fly because, technically, I was not traveling (you can literally see the hotel I’d booked from the front of my apartment building) and it was on the day before the case was supposed to start, not during it. I also hoped that some of my answers on the questionnaire would get me excused, including one about the location of the defendant’s work place, an apartment building. I wrote that on a recent apartment hunt, I had looked at this place but was put off by the rude and condescending staff (funny thing was, when I researched the place online the next day I found out it has been closed for a year! Ha! Liar, liar, pants on fire).

After a week of utter misery during which I made many pacts with any deity who cared to help me out, I finally caved and called to check and was told that the case had been settled out of court and I was excused!!! Poor guy who answered that phone must have thought me a complete idiot because after he told me that I asked him to repeat himself about five times, I was so elated.

And of course, because that is the way my life goes, the irony is that I actually would have loved to have served on this particular case because it involved a particular pet peeve of mine. Deal was, some asshole pedestrian was jaywalking and got hit by some asshole driver. Yes, Driving Asshole should have been more careful and not hit Walking Asshole, but Walking Asshole should not have been jaywalking. This really pisses me off, pedestrians think they can just cross the street willy-nilly. Use the crosswalk, assholes! So if I’d ended up on that jury I would have found for Walking Asshole, but would have awarded him or her only enough money to cover medical expenses and 50% of lawyers’ costs. Because you should not have been jaywalking in the first place, Walking Asshole, but you were. And Driving Asshole, you should have been paying attention to Walking Asshole, so you’re not getting away with it completely. So, yeah, Walking Asshole, here’s your medical expenses covered and some of your lawyers’ fees, but not all because you probably only pursued this case in the hopes of getting rich. But you won’t on my watch, jaywalker! I actually wrote something to that effect on my questionnaire, so there was no way I was going to get picked for this case, right? But I guess we will never know!