Last night was the Last of the Last (at Last!)

Yeah, I think you’re gonna need to read this post for the following to make any sense.

So, first off, I have never been ashamed of how much television I watch. Unlike some people who were–and always had a tell (at least they did back in the day when there were only 100 or so channels): at some point in a discussion about television, those who did in fact watch a lot always said something along the lines of the following: “I really don’t watch that much television, mainly the Discovery Channel and the occasional episode of The Simpsons.” It’s like those bible thumpers who, after they have run out of rejoinders to my inquiries about why their all-loving higher power allows children to starve and men to rape and cancer to kill, they always bring up free will. It is their get out of jail free (will) card.

OK, so, yep, I broke my Lost/Revenge pledge–not once, but twice. The first time was with This Is Us (TIU). But, in my defense, I was set up for failure from the start.  The previews all mentioned two of my positive trigger words–fat and twist. I will absolutely be watching anything that has a twist in it and/or features fat people. (My negative trigger word? One mention of vomit and I am outta there.)

So, TIU: oh, how I loved that show. Like I did for Lost and Revenge, I avoided tigers and wooden objects and squirrels in the run-up to the final ep. I considered doing a post about it, but was too emotionally drained by such a wonderful show and kind of embarrassed that I have broken my Lost/Revenge pledge.

So why this post now? Well, yessum, I did it again. This time my partner in crime was A Million Little Things (AMLT). I started to watch this only because it involved suicide and my inner Goth chick (her name is Elsinore – a nod to my paternal grandmother, Elsie, and my love of Hamlet, and one of Google’s top ten results for a search entitled “names for a Goth girl”) has a bit of a suicide obsession. (She does–I do not.)

So, yes, last night was the last episode of AMLT. The avoiding of tigers and wooden objects and squirrels was tamped down a bit because there were no loose ends to tie up, unlike the three previous shows mentioned (only two of which did so satisfactorily and the other not so much (yeah, I am talking about you, Lost). In fact, I think the only concession to it being the last ep was that I did not drink as much as I usually do on a school night (I have already started making up for that tonight (we can’t have Franzia going bankrupt, now can we?)).

But what really makes this noteworthy is that I really think it is the last scripted mainstream broadcast network episodic television show I am going to watch. Because unlike I have done in past years at the start of this TV season I did not pick one new show to watch and am, in fact, down to just two shows I watch on a regular basis: American Idol and one or more from the 90 Day Fiancé franchise.

So, maybe it is time to drop cable and shell out for Netflix or one of its ilk. That way, I can be sucked into an emotional vortex but I can binge all the eps at once and won’t have the need to avoid tigers and wooden objects and squirrels. You read it here.

The Last Idol Post of the Season

Maybe because my libido is abnormally high right now, but I thought there were some hot dudes on Idol last night. Even Dorothy’s friend Ryan Seacrest was doing it for me, but then again I have always been a sucker (and a blower!) for a Tux. (But you’re still my number one, Brian Dunkleman.)  And Pitbull, wow, on paper he should not be as hot as he is but he is.

The rest of the show was meh. I’d predicted Nick’s win a couple weeks ago so that was anticlimactic for me. And I miss the clip packages, there were only two last night and they were pretty dull. And there were none during the regular season either. And WTF was the deal with last year’s winner not getting any airtime, all he did was walk onstage with the trophy at the end. (Actually, I think I just answered my own question – I can’t remember his name.)

I think they have cancelled this show at just the right time, it is really showing its age. I had actually decided not to watch again simply because I hate that they eliminated the results show. Yes, those were padded more than Julia Roberts’ bra but the combo performance/results just did not do it for me. But now that I know next season is going to be the last I am going to watch it. And I hope I am in a better position emotionally (i.e., I have a fulltime, permanent job) so I can report on it regularly here.

Revenge is done, and so am I

Driving home from work on the evening of May 21, 2010, I fervently prayed to a god I do not believe in to make sure I got home alive so I would be around to watch the final episode of Lost two nights later. I was obsessed with that show (well, obvs, if I was praying, card-carrying heathen that I am). In fact, I spent the entire week prior in a state of unrest, hoping that this would not be when the car accident and/or heart attack happened that I think is going to be the cause of my death. As the final credits rolled, I swore that I would never again get so emotionally involved in a television show. I managed to keep that promise until a little over a year later when Revenge debuted. Its final episode was last night.

 

Oh, how I love that show, big campy soapy mess that it is.

 

But once again I had a week fraught with worry. Of the eight times I had to be in my car, would one of those journeys be my last? Was that twinge just indigestion from the McDonald’s French fries and Taco Bell beefy burrito that was my lunch or was it the heart attack finally showing up? Or would circumstances conspire to bring about my death via one of the other myriad ways I think I am going to die? Like what if one of the tigers at the Mirage escaped and made its way over to me? It’s only 1.76 miles according to MapQuest (1.6 according to Google Maps). Or what if I got a splinter and died from the resulting infection? Or what if a squirrel bit me and I died from rabies? I wasn’t worried about the other way I fear dying - quicksand – because I had no plans to go anywhere once I got home, just down to check the mail where I could run into an errant squirrel or an escaping tiger or all sorts of wooden objects.

 

But the worrying was all just too much for me and once again I am vowing to never let myself get so emotionally invested in a television programme. You read it here.

April Sours

Nothing to report, because nothing of note has happened lately. But I did not want this to be the first month ever of no postings, so…

I am working part-time, but I still have full-time expenses. No other prospects in the wind. I interviewed at a company that has just relocated to Vegas but they turned me down because they thought I would not be happy in such an unstructured environment and “If we were interviewing you in a year’s time when we were more settled, we’d hire you on the spot.” WTF? That was supposed to make me feel better? I’d rather they have told me that I was severely underqualified for the job or that they did not want such an ugly fat lump working for them than that.

Then there is American Idol, which used to be such a bright spot in my dull life. Last season, during my first year of unemployment, it was hard to get excited about it, but this year is even worse. The little twerp was voted out but none of the five remaining contestants excite me enough to want to think about voting for him or her (actually voting is another thing). But, conversely, none of the five (unlike Angie Miller did in season 12 or Jessica Sanchez did in season 11 or James Durbin did in season 10, etc., etc.) are pissing me off enough to vow to not watch it again should he or she win. I hate not having anyone to hate.

The First Idol Post of the Season

If Daniel Seavey wins, I am never watching Idol again. That is all.

There Goes My Summer...

I called the cable company last night to inquire about web router equipment, and, well, not sure how it happened, because I did not buy anything, but I ended up getting three months free of HBO, Showtime and Cinemax! I’d like to think it was my sparkling personality or my charming wit or even my accent, but I think it was simply my good credit history.

Best Non-Birthday Present EVER!!!

Oh, thank you teenage girls of America (and some confused teenage boys). I will watch again next year, Idol. I have never purchased a song from iTunes, but I might just have to with Phillip’s single, I love it. But I have to clarify something – it was not that I necessarily wanted Phillip to win; it was more that I wanted the robot to lose – I would have supported anyone she was up against.

But I thought the show itself rather dull – WTF was the deal with Neil Diamond? Was he saving his voice for his tour or is that how he sings now, Rex Harrison-style? And wow, there were some huge asses on that stage (the least of which was Ryan Seacrest).

This Is Not An Idle Threat About Idol

If Jessica “Stepford Singer” Sanchez wins tonight – you read it here first – I will NEVER watch American Idol again.