Idol's Old Enough To Drink Now

 I had not planned on writing much about this season of Idol, but I am at work and bored to death and no one is here, because it is the Friday before a three-day weekend and of course my co-workers are a bunch of P.O.E.T.S. (Pissed Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday). (That’s a throwback from my brief time in the English newspaper business.) So here goes.

Can’t be arsed to go back and read my old Idol posts but I am pretty sure I have made it known my dislike of any contestant who not only has a sob story but also milks it to (the) death (of their best friend/mother/father/cousin, etc.).

Maybe it is me, but I think it was way worse than normal with Iam Tongi. That James Blunt song didn’t help, of course, but those damn Idol producers have never met a dead person they didn’t like.

But I think even without that issue, I still would have not liked Iam and I really don’t think he was all that good. I thought he was very one-note. And I am going to predict a Justin Guarini-level of success for him, rather than a Carrie Underwood one.

And for the first time in a while, I did have a favorite - Wè Ani. I thought she was amazing. Ironically, though, I think it was her speaking voice that did her in – that squeakiness sure was hard to listen to at times.

And there was some talent among the rest of them, but these stereotypes of the white guys with guitars and hot rock girls and not-so-hot gospel girls and the rough-around-the edges Country guys are getting tiring. At least the prerequisite crazy one (this year that role was filled by the aptly-named Nutsa) had a modicum of talent, unlike many of her predecessors (I am talking about you, Catie Turner).

And of course, I did have my usual “deal breaker” contestant; i.e., the contestant that, should he or she win, would mean that I would never watch Idol again. This year it was Lucy Love. And you should all know me well enough by now to know that my hatred of this person was not based on racist issues. And for once it was not based on lack of talent issues, because she wasn’t that bad. No, it was just her attitude that rubbed me the wrong way, her smirky facial expressions and all that sort of stuff. But she did not win and so of course I will be watching again next year.

And, as always, let me end this on my annual declaration of love for the wonderful and sorely missed Brian Dunkleman.

I Guess I Should Do A Post About This Season's American Idol

 Meh.

Idol, I guess…

Meh. I think I am getting too old for this show. Or it is getting old. I did not get behind any one performer at all this season. But, as usual, there was a popular one who did nothing for me: Willie Spence. I don’t know why I did not like him because I am neither racist nor homophobic, and I am most certainly not sizeist.

And do you remember last year I wondered how much further some contestants might have advanced if they had gotten the chance to perform under normal circumstances, with access to wardrobe and make-up and a live band, instead of their mum doing their hair before they sang in the garage? Well, I guess the producers thought that too when they brought back some contestants from last year. I don’t have an issue with them doing that, I just think they should have brought them back earlier, say during Hollywood Week, to make it all a little more equitable with this year’s batch.

And Paula Abdul’s stint made it glaringly obvious that there needs to be at least one train wreck of a judge to make it interesting. Those three are so bland and nice and… sober.

And I still hate Bobby Bones.

And I predicted Chayce’s win months ago. Yes, I know some of you might think I am just staying that but for once, I have proof. I sent myself an email and I had planned to place some sort of pic of it here but I can’t get it to look right, it is tiny, so you will just have to take my word for it.

And I miss Brian Dunkleman.

The Quarantining of American Idol

So, was that a blah season because of the dearth of talent or was it a blah season because of the quarantine issues? Actually, maybe the talent was there, it was just not given an opportunity to shine because of the limitations imposed by the quarantine.

No, I think they were all, for the most part, crap.

I don’t think Prisons Tats Sam (I refuse to call her by that pretentious stage name of hers) would have won under normal circumstances, and not because of what the quarantine took from her performances, but what the in-studio setting would have added to others. I am sure one or more of the pretty white guys with guitars would have gotten further if those mass-voting tweens saw them all gussied up. Or maybe one of the other girls might have reaped the benefits of professional makeup artists and lighting and a live band and an audience that did not just consist of who happened to be hanging out in the garage that night.

So, after the show went into lock down, I fast-forwarded through most of the performances and the critiques so I cannot fairly judge whether Sam deserved to win. But my mind was already made up that she did not because of how her sob story probably garnered her sympathy votes. I HATE sympathy votes.  But at least she did not milk it as much as Louis “My friend killed himself and the producers are going to make me bring it up as much as possible for the sympathy votes but I am OK with that because at least that means I’ll get votes because I am not going to get them based on my mediocre voice and looks” Knight, or, as I like to call him, the One Direction Reject.

And what was that about those in certain time zones not being able to vote because the show started after voting closed? That just proves what I said last year that this is a popularity contest and not a talent competition. Because the contestants kept the same phone number anyone in any time zone could vote for their favorites. But what about those who vote on that night’s performance? Nope, they were screwed. I wonder why they chose to do it that way this year? Last year they were live in every time zone.

And I know this is simply because of the circumstances, but I missed the montages that usually pepper the final show of the season. Well, I guess they could have created some but seeing someone’s dad sweeping out the garage or their mother string bistro lights on trees in their back yard would have made for a very dull montage indeed!

The Obligatory American Idol Post

What a blah season. Wow, the pretty, straight, (mostly) white boy won. The only surprise about the top three was that the bland white girl lost to someone of color. (Although I think it might be better for Madison’s emotional health that she did not win because you just know that someone has already told her that she needs to lose weight.) For the life of me I cannot see why the judges creamed their jeans over Alejandro. I mean, yeah, if this was East Los Angeles Coffee Shop Idol, then he would have won it hands down. And was it just me or was his hometown visit a little… sparse?

But still loving the pared-down format. The judges were as toothless as ever. I miss Simon. And I am sure his mother loves him, but I fucking hate Bobby Bones. Did anyone believe that Ryan was actually sick that one time he hosted? And I know I pose some version of this threat every year, but I really mean this one: if he takes over from Ryan, I am never going to watch this show again. 

And something else that is always in these types of posts: bring back Brian Dunkleman.

Of course this is about American Idol

I tried not to watch it, I really did. But there is something about this show... It is my Brokeback Mountain, I just cannot quit it. But I decided early on that I was not going to blog about it, despite a desperate need to write about something, because a quick perusal of previous posts would have resulted in way too many Google searches about it - had I used the contestants’ names! But no, previous posts are rife with nicknames! Apparently, I hated some poor girl with bad hair (Uni-Bang) and there was a terrible male singer who had a stutter (Stuttering Stanley) and – oh, how I am cringing at this -  there was a singer of mixed Chinese and Hispanic heritage who earned the unfortunate moniker of Kung Pao Taco (really, I am not racist, I swear).

Yeah, so, no posts, but I had to do a season-end wrap-up because, well, I don’t know how to quit it:

Luke Bryant – most useless judge EVER. On more than one occasion, when he was third to speak, he said there was nothing he could add because Lionel and Katie had said it all. One time, when he was first to go, he said he wasn’t going to comment because “no one wants to hear my voice after they’ve heard yours.” Gawd.

Even though previous seasons went on way too long, I didn’t really like this pared-down format. I think there could have been a happy medium.

And that results-the-same-night deal? Insulting to both the viewers and the contestants because they are basically admitting what everyone has known all along but chose to ignore - that this is a popularity contest and not a singing competition.

What the hell was the deal with Bobby Bones? Where did he come from and how useless was he? And what is the deal with that name? I feel as though he should be in a Saturday Night Live Halloween-themed sketch with Tom Hanks.

And the producers ought to be ashamed of themselves as far as Catie Turner is concerned. Yes, I am all for quirky chicks who do not fit into the societal norms of physical attraction (I wonder why). And haters don’t hate – you know I do not agree with what society considers physically attractive. But they only put her through (and you know 99% of who goes through is decided by the producers and not the judges) because of the publicity it would garner. No, my biggest peeve with this is the fact that she just wasn’t that good of a singer; had she been, then, yeah, I would be her biggest supporter. But she wasn’t and I think it cruel of the producers to do that to her, to give her hope because, to paraphrase The Shawshank Redemption, hope is a terrible thing, maybe even the worst of things. And had she won, would they have changed the name to Amish Idol?

Like if Adam Sanders/Ada Vox would have won would they have changed the name to Drag Queen Idol?  And what would have happened had they already decided to go with separate boy/girl teams like they have done in the past? Or maybe they did and he/she came along and they scrapped that idea.

And then there is Maddie. Oh, how I loved her from the start. So much so, that I would have been OK with her not winning, because that way she could record what she wants. And even though I did not like Carrie Underwood II Gabby Barrett (despite her being from the ‘burgh) I would have been OK with her winning. Caleb too.  But Maddie, I have not liked a contestant so much since Kelly Clarkson. I hope she has a career and doesn’t fade away like Uni-Bang (well, actually, she might be a huge star right now because I don’t remember her name!).

A Farewell to Idol

To say that American Idol was a big part of my life is no exaggeration. And now it is gone. But I think it went out in style because its last episode was pretty near perfect from start (the Dunk was back - more later) to finish (I did not want La’Porsha to win (also more later).

Because of my OCD and addictive personality I try not to start watching a TV show from the very first episode, because the OCD means I will have to watch it until the bitter end and the addictive personality means I will want to watch it until the bitter end.

And I am not a fan of the reality TV genre.

It is a wonder then that I watched (every single episode of) American Idol (live). No exaggeration. I did not DVR it because it started after my bedtime (Revenge, The Americans, Impractical Jokers) and I did not miss an ep because I was having a midlife crisis and relocating 750 miles (Lost, season three, episode 14, original air date March 28, 2007, the one featuring that smoking hot Brazilian guy who was in Love Actually. I was driving through Utah at the time. I caught up with it online a few days later but it remains the only episode of Lost I did not watch live).

But Idol was an exception. Mainly because of its British component (which is also the same reason I started reading the Harry Potter books (and once I started to read the books, I had to watch the movies because I always do)).

I have voted for some contestants. I have borrowed from the library and copied on to my iPod some performers’ CDs (but not purchased – I may be a super fan but I am still cheap). And I once even had a viewing party for a finale. That is rare. The only other time I have ever done that is for Friends. Although I guess party is a slight exaggeration because in both cases the guest list consisted of only one other person - D. for Friends and my former friend K. for Idol (former because she got engaged and turned into Bridezilla; D. also got engaged but did not). I also crushed on the occasional judge (I would go down under with Keith any time), one or two contestants, and of course the only host that mattered, Brian Dunkleman. It also provided fodder for this blog.

And, yeah, I thought the final episode was damn near perfect. I have always thought using the song One Voice the way they did would be a great start to a show or a concert. And then there was Simon, the British component that got me started with this show. I could have done without the fake surprise when he showed up because seriously, did anyone think he would not? The judging panel was never the same without him - he told it like it was; yes, he was harsh but he was never unfair. I am very glad there were subtitles of all the singers because I did not recognize a ton of them – Bo’s new look is hot although I do miss Justin’s Sideshow Bob hair style. I enjoyed the fact that Kree got more airtime than that bitch she lost to; and I loved that the producers owned the white guys with guitars criticism with that medley.

And then there was Brian. I crushed on Brian from the very start. I almost considered not watching anymore when he left. I would dislike Ryan anyway (I do not like hypocrites – get out of the damn closet already, you are not fooling anyone) but the fact that he remained and Brian left was devastating to me. But his bit on the finale was a perfect bookend, I thought: it was funny and humble and he was as hot as he was back in the day.

And then there was that result. I do think La’Porsha is talented, and maybe more so than Trent but I am very glad she did not win because of the way she was treated during the season. The way the judges gushed over her annoyed me. I have always been that way, though: if anyone is getting preferential treatment, I automatically am against him or her. I am sure there are deep-seated psychological reasons for this (like maybe the fact that I have NEVER gotten preferential treatment? OK, maybe not so deep-seated after all!).

But Idol is done. “For now.” What the fuck does that mean, Seacrest? Way to end a show, shithead. Don’t you know how annoying that is for people with addictive personalities? Will Idol come back? Will I obsess over it? Watch this space.

The Last Idol Post of the Season

Maybe because my libido is abnormally high right now, but I thought there were some hot dudes on Idol last night. Even Dorothy’s friend Ryan Seacrest was doing it for me, but then again I have always been a sucker (and a blower!) for a Tux. (But you’re still my number one, Brian Dunkleman.)  And Pitbull, wow, on paper he should not be as hot as he is but he is.

The rest of the show was meh. I’d predicted Nick’s win a couple weeks ago so that was anticlimactic for me. And I miss the clip packages, there were only two last night and they were pretty dull. And there were none during the regular season either. And WTF was the deal with last year’s winner not getting any airtime, all he did was walk onstage with the trophy at the end. (Actually, I think I just answered my own question – I can’t remember his name.)

I think they have cancelled this show at just the right time, it is really showing its age. I had actually decided not to watch again simply because I hate that they eliminated the results show. Yes, those were padded more than Julia Roberts’ bra but the combo performance/results just did not do it for me. But now that I know next season is going to be the last I am going to watch it. And I hope I am in a better position emotionally (i.e., I have a fulltime, permanent job) so I can report on it regularly here.

April Sours

Nothing to report, because nothing of note has happened lately. But I did not want this to be the first month ever of no postings, so…

I am working part-time, but I still have full-time expenses. No other prospects in the wind. I interviewed at a company that has just relocated to Vegas but they turned me down because they thought I would not be happy in such an unstructured environment and “If we were interviewing you in a year’s time when we were more settled, we’d hire you on the spot.” WTF? That was supposed to make me feel better? I’d rather they have told me that I was severely underqualified for the job or that they did not want such an ugly fat lump working for them than that.

Then there is American Idol, which used to be such a bright spot in my dull life. Last season, during my first year of unemployment, it was hard to get excited about it, but this year is even worse. The little twerp was voted out but none of the five remaining contestants excite me enough to want to think about voting for him or her (actually voting is another thing). But, conversely, none of the five (unlike Angie Miller did in season 12 or Jessica Sanchez did in season 11 or James Durbin did in season 10, etc., etc.) are pissing me off enough to vow to not watch it again should he or she win. I hate not having anyone to hate.

The First Idol Post of the Season

If Daniel Seavey wins, I am never watching Idol again. That is all.

American Idol, Season 13

Was it a crap season because it coincided with my unemployment or was it just a crap season anyway? None of the contestants wowed me from the start (I did get to like Jena better and better as the season when on) and there was only one I hated - the lesbian chick (whom I think only made it into the top 15 because the producers were afraid they’d get accused of being homophobic if they did not put her through). And no, haters, I did not hate her because she is gay, I hated her because she is a crap singer.

One thing that did strike me this season was how much work schedules were diminished – the contestants did not have to do a Ford video every week, Ryan did not have to read out as many phone numbers because they kept the same number, the cameraman had only one angle to shoot – wherever J-Lo was, and her wardrobe supervisor had it easy too because she rarely wore anything below the waist. Speaking of which, what was that thing Jenny from the whorehouse block was wearing during her “performance?”

Other random musings/thoughts/opinions:

·         How useless was Randy as a mentor? I miss Jimmy!

·         Was there a memo sent that this season had to contain as many doughy white boys as possible?

·         Ryan did the gay rumors no favors by declaring Demi Lovato a friend and “singing” a Richard Marx song.

·         Loved Jessica Meuse. Hope she goes far, but glad she did not win it (they would have tried to commercialize her too much.

·         There were not many highlight packages, were there? They are usually more plentiful and a whole lot funnier – WTF was the deal with that lip reading bit?

And of course it would not be an Idol post from me without the following: bring back the Dunk! I miss you more and more, Bryan Dunkleman!

Idol Thoughts, XII, XXVII

Well, that was a rather lackluster finale, don’t you think? I guess we cannot expect much when the whole season was lackluster. I thought none of the video packages particularly funny (except maybe the bit about Nicki’s wigs) and none of the performances wowed me. I do have some questions, however: Did someone leave Frankie Valli out in the rain and he shrank? Was Mariah lip-syncing? Paula showed up when a contestant sang her song but she couldn’t be bothered to show up for Randy’s farewell? Was it just me or was that whole Aretha Franklin singing in New York just weird? Where was Jimmy? And was that Prince Harry in one of the audience shots?

I’d like to be happy for Candice but last night she confirmed to me what a diva bitch she is. For example… when asked which their favorite Ford mission was, for Candice it was playing car football (Kree chose visiting the children’s hospital). For example… EVERYONE knows that whoever is chosen as their mentor not only gets a free trip to the finale but also a car, so who did Candice chose? Her GRANDMOTHER. For example… her first words after being pronounced the winner? Not a shout-out to her fans or her family or even the guy in the sky? No, her first words were. “Three years.” Yeah, you’re a bitch, Candy-Girl, and I give it “three years” before you are back on Redneck Island selling time shares again.

And there we go, another season done and yes I shall be back for more next year. In the meantime, this blog will return to its regularly scheduled programming…

Idol Thoughts, XII, XXVI

Well, that show was kind of boring. Although I did like the truncated judges’ comments deal. And when they did comment, I thought it classy of the producers to instruct the judges to be nice to Kree and super-nice to Candice, whereas they are usually nasty to Kree and nice to Candice. Good of them to do that for the last show. I guess the smart money is on Candice, but, I don’t know, I just can’t imagine what sort of album she’d make, whereas you just know Kree is going to go the Carrie Underwood/Taylor Swift route, country and pop mix. So... I am going for Candice, but hoping it is Kree, but I won’t be upset if is it Candice because, she might be a Diva Bitch, but she can sing. And at least it is not Uni-Bang!

Idol Thoughts, XII, XXV

Before we get to the results, do you think the body double used in Mariah’s video was also the voice double? Or was that someone else entirely? Anyway, the days of Uni-Bang are over. Yay! And I guess that means I shall be watching next year because, whilst I want Kree to win and I dislike Candice intensely, I will admit she is talented and so if she wins, I am OK with that (unlike last year when it would have been a travesty had the little robot chick won). But to all of Uni-Bang’s fans out there, don’t be disappointed, because, wow, just look at the careers of other third-place finishers like Nikki McKibbin, Vonzell Solomon and Syesha Mercado. Um, OK, on seconds thoughts, don’t.

Idol Thoughts, XII, XXIV

So I guess Candice is the producers’ new favorite. Why else would they give her that pimp song and the pimp position (last performance of the night)? But I cannot get over the feeling that she is just not a nice person. From the start she has emitted major diva vibes. And I can understand her reasons for not doing so, but I think Uni-Bang wasted a huge opportunity not playing the piano for an Elton John song. Oh, and WTF is the deal with Nicki praising Candice and talking about it not mattering what someone looks like – a week after asking if she’d lost weight? Not cool, Nicki, not cool. And I guess Kree won the sympathy vote last night but if she goes through because of that and knocks out Uni-Bang, the producers could live to regret making her video package so intense. But she gets my vote for going home.