The Leadership Chronicles: Now what - Hollywood or Mary Kay?

When I was a little girl, I first wanted to be a ballet dancer. My dad nixed that plan when he told me I did not have the figure for it (haters don’t hate: he was completely right and better that my dream be crushed when it was nascent, before I nurtured such a completely unrealistic goal). Then I wanted to be an actress. I even joined an amateur dramatics club for teens. But I was really, really bad at it. Or at least I thought I was. That was until this course. Because what I did there has made me consider packing up and moving to Hollywood. I tell you, Meryl Streep had nothing on me those three days. So either I head to Hollywood or I start selling Mary Kay, because I faked it ‘til I made it.

At several points during the course I thought I would truly speak my mind and tell everyone what utter BS I thought it all was - and this was going to be full-on, not the passive-aggressive digs I got in now and again. But things kept delaying that reveal. I finally decided to put up and shut up because I realized everyone else was really into it. It mattered to them and I was not going to be the one who let down the team. It was at this point that I decided that I might as well go along with it, because it would be over soon and I would never see any of these people again. So I released my inner Meryl and acted my ass off.

I faked an enthusiasm for taking part in class discussions, and stood up and spouted some buzz word I knew would be popular – Vision! Growth! Effort! Enthusiasm!  As soon as I sat down I had forgotten what I had said, because what I really wanted to say was I am in hell! What a waste of time! Kill me now! Plus by this point I was on to their little games and knew that if I did not stand up I would have been called out for not doing so.

When I had finished a writing assignment, I faked writing more by either making notes for these posts or just simply moving my pen around above the page.

I pretended my tears were because I was so moved by what myself and others had achieved, but really I was dreading what was to come and wishing it were all over.

I got up to do whatever the latest lesson was as early as possible, not because I was keen to do so but because I wanted to get it over and done.

Fortunately I managed to not to have to speak when we had to describe how we were going to apply our newfound skills in our personal life, because what could I have said? They were all going on about how they would be a better sibling, or spend more time with their children. I mean, what was I going to say? Um, I’ll give my cat more wet food? Or I’ll be really nice to the cashier at the liquor store?

And it was a testament to my acting skills, and the aforementioned dramatic board breaking attempts that led to me being voted Most Improved Student! Ha! Oh my poor team mates, little do they know.

The winner of this was announced during our graduation ceremony, which took place in the dining room, the staff sat up front, the team in a half circle around them, with guests at the back. I knew I had won it because of the way the staff decided to present it. Mr. Clean conferred with the Tight-Ass Triplets and decided that one of the students would announce the winner and he chose me to do that. Seriously? Yeah, so I knew right off it was me. And it was. And when I announced my own name (I had to open up and read the name on one of the voting slips we’d filled in) everyone cheered and hugged me and oh my gosh, they were all so into it! Then of course I had to make a speech.

I remembered everything that had impressed the team, everything the staff had said, and brought it all together. I said the first thing I was going to do when I got home was change my name because “I am a different person thanks to this class!” That I would also need to buy a new dictionary because mine had the word “try” in it and I do not try any more, I do. I said I could have taken this class two months ago and I deeply regret not doing so because that would have been two months longer with all this new knowledge and confidence and skill set. I told them that when I walked into this building I only had three friends (not that much of an exaggeration, actually). “But you know what?” I said, “When I leave today I have 15 more!”

But I am going to conclude this series with the lines that concluded my speech. I am most proud of this and even to this day, over three months later, it still cracks me up. And this produced the biggest cheer from the graduation audience because they drank the Kool-Aid I was serving.

“So, as you all know, I complained a lot over the last few days, but my first complaint was about how close together the chairs were. But you know what? Now they are too far apart!”

Now they are too far apart.

The Leadership Chronicles: I’m Board Now

I am sure it will come as no surprise that this course included some physical tests; in this case, having to lift someone and be lifted, and that super-clichéd, karate-style board breaking deal (had this been outside I am sure there would have been that even more clichéd fire walking stuff). Apparently, we were going to learn to get into ka or kee or whatever the hell it is called and achieve some super human feats of strength. Now I did a lot of things at this retreat that made me uncomfortable because I kept reminding myself that my company paid a lot of money to send me here (over $2,000, I think) and I was not going to let them down, but there was no way in hell I was going to subject some poor soul to having to lift up me and my fat ass, twelve chins, and four or so spare tires. And no way was I going to attempt to lift anyone, whatever size they were. So just before this session I marched right up to Mr. Clean and told him that I had a bad back and that I could not do anything that put physical demands on me. I got out of the lifting part, but that excuse did not fly for the board-breaking. My attempts at this produced the most dramatic moment of the entire course and I truly believe it was this that led to my winning the Most Improved Student award (way more about that in the next post). I was the only one who did not break it on the first attempt; in fact, it took me about ten tries, I think.

Oh, so you have to know this before I go on: there was no alcohol or drugs allowed on site, but just before we started this session, Mr. Clean told us that there was wine and beer awaiting us in the dining room, as a treat for all our hard work. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, mmm, wine!

Anyway, so we had to write on the one side of the board what is our biggest block to leadership:

 (Yeah, no shit Sherlock, mine was low self-esteem!)

On the flip side we had to list what we would get if we could break through this block:

 

The words written in green were written before I attempted to break it. Mr. Clean stopped me halfway through my attempts and made me write more (the ones in red). To say this entire ordeal was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life is no exaggeration. But the team was all rallying behind me, giving me advice on how to position myself, shouting encouragement, etc., but I just could not break that fucker. Until I did. Did positive thinking or getting in ka/kee break that board? Those on the course would say it did but I think the fact that I wanted to get out of there and start drinking may have had something to do with it!

 

The Leadership Chronicles: Someone else hated it too

No, I did not have the best attitude going into this, but – and here is why I do not feel guilty – I went in with an open mind. And I take no pleasure in the fact that it was as Kumbaya as I expected it to be. What did surprise me however is that there was one participant who, whilst his attitude was not as bad as mine, actually had the balls to articulate his displeasure at being on the course. Yes, I made my irritation known early on, but in very passive-aggressive ways; this guy was full-on - we hadn’t even gotten on the bus before he told us how much he did not want to be here. And twice he told Mr. Clean how much he disliked him. This guy was my hero. But he turned. Or did he? Was he faking it as much as I was? I guess I could ask him on Facebook but I think part of me does not want to know the answer. Part of me holds out hope that I was not the only one who thought it all bullshit and could not be turned.

But this guy, wow, he said out loud pretty much everything I was thinking. And sometimes did what I would have liked to have done. Like, at the end, we had to submit the names of those of whom we thought would benefit from taking a class - I made up a fake name, this guy didn’t fill in anything!!! Ironically, he and I were assigned seats next to each other for much of the course, and we partnered up several times. I confessed to him on more than one occasion how uncomfortable I was. But when an incident happened towards the very end, I did wonder if that had not been such a good idea: during one particularly loud session, he gets up and walks out. Now, this was not a bathroom break walk-out, this was full-on, taking the backpack, I am out of here deal. It was so dramatic and resulted in putting into practical use some of what we had been taught when we persuaded him to come back. But then I got all paranoid and I started to wonder if he was a plant and had been instructed to do this to test us. See why I was freaking out because of what I had told him?

The Leadership Chronicles: Watching the Watchers

Of all the cringe-inducing things we had to do, one that really stood out was having to introduce the sessions, which involved learning a short speech in about five minutes and then yelling projecting it to our fellow students. The person was chosen during meal times when one of the Tight-Ass Triplets would walk around the communal table, staring at us, and then stand behind the chosen one, put a hand on his or her shoulder and direct them to be outside the classroom at a certain time, about ten minutes before the rest of us.  

I so did not want to be chosen. I am sure you know what is coming, right? Yep. I was chosen. This was the second-to-last session. By now I had started my acting job (more on that later) and made sure to make full-on eye contact every time the moderator circled us, but I think the staff were not quite yet convinced. So when the hand plopped down on my shoulder I made sure to keep my face completely neutral. But then something strange happened: the moderator told me to escort another person to the classroom at a certain time. Huh? But I did what I was told and when we got there, he was taken into the room to learn the intro. Huh again? But you know what I think it was? I think this was a test and that if I had looked all pissy and sour-faced about it they would have gone ahead and had me do the whole thing. But because I was on to their little games by now I passed. It would have been interesting to see their reaction to my non-reaction.