Introducing My Good Triplet

You’re all familiar with my Evil Twin by now, but I feel it is about time I introduce you to my Good Triplet. I was reminded of her existence this past weekend when I held a door open for someone and was called “sweet” for doing so. She’s been around a lot lately, mainly because of all the flipping Geminis in my life - happy b-day, C., D., C. and PLL (I blame all that Labor Day Weekend sex going on). But she makes other appearances now and again. For example, when driving, she never blocks intersections (and those who do so are especially hated by Evil Twin). When getting into our car in the mornings, she always uses the key to unlock the door, rather than the beeper thingy because she doesn’t want to make any unnecessary noise for those who might still be sleeping. If we are in line buying something and the person in front of us is short by anything under a dollar, she always offers them cash if we have it (not more than a dollar, though; Good Triplet might be better than me and Evil Twin, but she is just as cheap as us). What else? Um, well… let’s see… nope, that’s about it, but hey, it is a start, right?

Evil Twin Needs Your Advice

My evil twin wants to do something that might get someone into trouble because this person said something nasty about me (my evil twin is so protective). Normally I would discourage Evil Twin but what Evil Twin wants to do has actually been done before to this person, so it’s not like it will come as any surprise; and even though the, um, example Evil Twin wants to use did not in fact happen to me, it did happen to someone else, so it’s kind of not like lying, is it? It’s more like exaggerating or borrowing. I am a firm believer in karma and that not only what goes around comes around, but it comes around twice as hard as it went around in the first place, but Evil Twin thinks karma is a bunch of BS. Plus this person did say something bad about me. So we need your advice. What do you think?

How My Evil Twin Spent Valentine’s Day

I thought long and hard about whether I should publish this posting, for I do not come out of it looking very good at all. But then I realized you all know what a sad, bitter person I am anyway, so one more example isn’t going to make much difference.

So on V-Day, one of my co-workers (in the sense that we sit in close proximity to each other but we do not work in the same department), gave out some little trinket (I think it was a heart-shaped cookie) to those co-workers in her  department. No biggie, so far. But then she places one on my boss’ desk (my boss is definitely not in her department). So, at this point, my evil twin takes over and I take out one of the spare packets of sweet-tarts I’d bought for my department (four for a dollar from the dollar store – score) and I gave one to her. Why? Why did I do that? The only result that came from that was that she probably felt guilty for not giving me anything. And what is even more petty about this is that had she not given my boss something, had she kept it within her department, I wouldn’t have had a second thought about it. I am so messed up.

Happy Valentine's Day!

As you celebrate this most fake of all Hallmark holidays please remember the following:

• 41% of marriages end in divorce
• Over 65 million Americans have an STD
• The chemicals used to keep cut flowers fresh have caused everything from respiratory distress to higher rates of miscarriage in the (non-unionized) underpaid workers employed in greenhouse environments in the many third-world countries that export flowers to the U.S.
• The Ivory Coast produces the most cocoa, the main ingredient in chocolate. Child slavery has been reported on many cocoa farms in the Ivory Coast, with one study putting the number of children working in hazardous conditions at 284,000
• 57% of men commit infidelity (and that’s just the ones who admit it!)

Dead Men Have Thin Thighs

So I Googled a former paramour recently and discovered he died about a year ago. His online obit is set up so that messages can be left. The following is a list of messages my evil twin wants to place on the website,  followed by a parenthetical explanation as to why she wants to do such a horrid thing.

“How did he do it, does anyone know?”

(Both Evil Twin and I are almost certain it was suicide.)

“If you were truly his soul mate you would have died within three months of his death.”

(The obit has that usual blurb describing his wife as his soul mate. Barf. Plus I subscribe to the Vonnegutian theory (see Cat’s Cradle) that if you truly love someone, you’ll die either with them or shortly thereafter.)

“Last time I saw him, he was wearing my bra and panties. Can I get them back now?”

(OK, this one is slightly exaggerated. It wasn’t actually my under wear, it was from his own personal collection. He weighed about the same as my left thigh, so my lingerie swamped him. But I did leave a Prince CD (it was the nineties – don’t judge) and a pair of stilettos at his place (those did fit him) that I would like back.)

But seriously, why does my mind think of these things first? Why do I not first consider sending his widow a consolatory message? Why do I automatically think of the bad things? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that the relationship, such as it was, ended badly. Like, for example, when my purely platonic friend A. died, such thoughts never entered my head. So, yeah, I guess it just comes down to my jealousy, pure and simple. Jealous that another chick got to be called his soul mate and not me.