This
one hurt. On so many levels. I guess mainly because of location. MapQuest tells
me it is 2.6 miles away; closer as the crow flies, I am sure. Sundays
I usually go to bed about 10:15 pm; that particular night, four weeks ago
today, owing to an ennui that had been with me all weekend, I was in bed by 9.
I wonder if I would have heard the shots; possibly, particularly if the wind
was in the right direction. I definitely would have heard the sirens. I lived
in Colorado when Columbine happened and that was hard; and 9/11, well, I do not
think anyone was unscathed by that one. But this one has marked me in ways that
will last a long time. A 25-year friendship has probably ended because of it
(although, to be fair, it was on its last legs anyway, this was just the final
straw). And this blog is going to be effected too (more on those issues later).
No,
I was not hurt and neither was anyone I know, but Vegas being such a small town
and this being such a massive event, there were a few indirect connections – a co-worker’s
friend was shot in the foot; a staff member in the chest. But this one hurt me
on an emotional level because you really find out who your friends are at a
time like this. On both my American and English Facebook pages I checked in
safe, so some knew I was not harmed. But there are still some people out there with
whom I am not connected with on Facebook and who know I live in Las Vegas who
have not reached out. Yes, the odds of me being out are astronomical and of me
being at a country music concert are even higher, but still.
Then
there is A. We’ve been friends since fifth grade. We communicate just via email
these days but in the last year or so I have noticed a cooling-off in our friendship,
solely on her end. I even asked a few months ago if there was anything going on;
she said there wasn’t, but even so I thought we still cared for each other’s wellbeing.
So when I had not heard from her after about a week, a time which coincided
with my being in the anger stage of my grief, I sent a rather terse email
reminding her that I lived in Las Vegas. She replied, reminding me that her
partner is dying. OK, so here is the deal: she NEVER told me about that. Of
course it explains the cooling off and of course it explains why she never reached
out. I replied immediately telling her she had never shared with me such news and
offering her my sympathy, but I never heard back (doubt she even opened that email).
But I am sharing this here in the hopes she reads this blog and just to get it
out of my system how unfair she is being – if I had known she was going through
such a devastating time I never would have shared my anger with her. I’ll send
her a holiday card with a note in it and I hope she’ll open it but I do fear it
may be the end of us.
But
at work it is worse. Apparently at 6:30 am a coworker texted our boss telling
him we were all safe and accounted for. Weird thing is, I didn't know anything
had happened until 7.30 am. Huh. Then when I did get in to work I had to sit there
and listen to all the “Oh, I reached out to so-and-so on Facebook” and “So-and-so
texted me” and “I called so-and-so.” Not a single one of them reached out to
me. Fuck them.
So,
yes, this blog: It might not seem this way but I do not like that so many posts
are whiney and negative, but sometimes that is all I have to write about. But
that stops now. I am no longer going to post something just so I have something
to post. As I watched the cell phone footage of that psycho spew evil and
hatred from 32 floors up, I decided I can no longer add to the negativity in
this world. I think I will continue the recurring posts like Sammy's annual
holiday message, and the Year in Review, and the Feast of the Virgin, if needed
(!), but otherwise, unless it is positive or fun or funny or light, I am not
putting it out there.
So
in light of that, let me end on the only positive thing that came out of this massacre:
how fucking awesome the people of Las Vegas are. I have never been more proud
of a place I have lived. The lines to give blood, the money raised, the supplies
donated. #VegasStrong? You bet.
